"Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience."

-Elder Bednar, October 2013, "The Windows of Heaven"

How to Doubt

I've been feeling really stressed out lately about EVERYTHING. Graduation, my wedding, moving to New York City, feminism, gay marriage, etc. I have been asking a lot of questions about what I believe and how I can know God's will for me. 

Last night before I went to bed I read a talk from the last General Conference by the Relief Society President, Linda K. Burton. I've found that reading about Jesus Christ to reconcile these issues brings me more peace than anything else. I really loved her talk as she focused on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and asks the critical question of whether or not it is written in our hearts. One of my favorite parts of her talk was a quote from  Elder Dallin H. Oaks that says:

 “Our needed conversions are often achieved more readily by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquility.”

I thought about that as I was falling asleep and what it means in my life. It seems to me that the fact that I am thinking about so many things that I have never thought about and doubting a few things which I have never doubted in my entire life right before I am going to go through the temple and get married (two of the most important ordinances in the Church) sucks. It's not ideal, you know? Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why couldn't this have happened like a year or two ago? Then I could have at least talked to Abby about it. And maybe I could have resolved everything by now."

This time has been both intensely spiritual and extremely confusing. But when I read this quote I realized a few things. 

1) I NEED to be converted again. I have been converted before, but I believe conversion is a lifelong process that should happen continually throughout our lives. A change of heart is not a one time thing. I think if it was, there wouldn't be that whole "endure to the end" bit. Alma said, "...If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?" (Alma 5:26)

2) My needed conversion is NOT going to be comfortable. It's not going to come through attending a testimony meeting in my singles ward. It's not going to come through watching a single Mormon Messages video. It's not going to come by just relying on my testimony from years past. Despite this I know that it will come. It will come through communion with God, and a deep commitment to Him and to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Asking him sincere questions and having the faith to receive an answer. Having the faith to accept God's will for me and my family. Like Elder Oaks said it will likely be through suffering and adversity, but I have decided that if that is God's plan for me and if it's going to make me a stronger, more faithful person then so be it.

A few weeks ago I read a talk from Terryl Givens, a Mormon scholar and professor of literature and religion at University of Richmond who also wrote the book The God Who Weeps. The talk is called "Letter to a Doubter" and it was give at a fireside to a single adult stake in Palo Alto, CA. Read it. Seriously. He writes so beautifully. Here are a few quotes from it that I love, most of them are not his words but are cited in the talk.

"Finally, find solace in what I have called the fellowship of the desolate. With Mother Teresa, who said, 'I am told God lives in me and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.' … 'Heaven from every side is closed.'"

“I will tell you that I am a child of this century, a child of disbelief and doubt. I am that today and will remain so until the grave. How much terrible torture this thirst for faith has cost me and costs me even now, which is all the stronger in my soul the more arguments I can find against it. And yet, God sends me sometimes instants when I am completely calm; at those instants I love and feel loved by others, and it is at those instances that I have shaped for myself a Credo where everything is clear and sacred for me. This Credo is very simple, here it is: to believe that nothing is more beautiful, profound, sympathetic, reasonable, manly and more powerful than Christ." -Fyodor Dostoevsky

“God allows spiritual peaks to subside into (often extensive) troughs in order for ‘servants to finally become Sons,’ ‘stand[ing] up on [their] own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish… growing into the sort of creature He wants [them] to be.’” 

-C.S. Lewis

BOOKS

 If there is one thing I love more than food it's books. What's your favorite book?

For Valentine's Day I bought CJ East of Eden because I knew he hadn't read it and it's one of my favorites. I can't wait to read it again because I feel like I missed a lot the first time. I decided that I'm going to give him a book every Valentine's Day (and maybe something else too if we have any money) and once we have kids I want to give them a book for Valentine's Day, too.

CJ and I have often talked about what we want our home to be like and how we want to raise our kids. One of the things that is most important to me is that my home is full of good books. I have always loved reading and one of my favorite things to do as a kid and now is to lose myself in a book for a couple of days...The fact that I know my mother loves to read has had a huge impact on me. I want my kids to know that I love to read, and that I love it because I love learning, discovering, exploring, and imagination.

In my communications class we have been talking about the "price we pay" for certain media. The price we pay, as a society, for television. The price society paid way way back in the day for literacy. The price we pay for a society that is bombarding us with images. Anyway, one of the chapters in my textbook is completely devoted to two top communications scholars going at it in intellectual discussion: TV vs print, and the price we pay for both. One of these scholars is Neil Postman (he's the pro-book one) and I've LOVED reading his scholarship. He is a cultural critic and he does not mince words when it comes to the price we pay for all the images and media we indulge ourselves in on a daily basis. (Like blogs, for example. I'm a hypocrite.)

Anyway, Postman has reaffirmed my commitment to make sure that reading takes over my home instead of mindless media and new technology. He is a genius. If you are familiar with 1984 and Brave New World (Dad), you should definitely read and think about this quote. Even if you don't know those books you should still read it. I know I am probably shooting this blog post in the foot by including such an enormous quote but...I'm okay with that.

Is Postman right? Has our society been reduced to passivity and egoism? Do we adore the technologies that undo our capacities to think?

“We were keeping our eye on 1984. When the year came and the prophecy didn't, thoughtful Americans sang softly in praise of themselves. The roots of liberal democracy had held. Wherever else the terror had happened, we, at least, had not been visited by Orwellian nightmares.

But we had forgotten that alongside Orwell's dark vision, there was another - slightly older, slightly less well known, equally chilling: Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Contrary to common belief even among the educated, Huxley and Orwell did not prophesy the same thing. Orwell warns that we will be overcome by an externally imposed oppression. But in Huxley's vision, no Big Brother is required to deprive people of their autonomy, maturity and history. As he saw it, people will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny "failed to take into account man's almost infinite appetite for distractions". In 1984, Huxley added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us.

This book is about the possibility that Huxley, not Orwell, was right.”

-Neil Postman, taken from his book, Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business

P.S. Here's an awkward picture of me and CJ and books. BIBLE.

My Symphony

To live content with small means.
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
    and refinement rather than fashion.
To be worthy not respectable,
    and wealthy not rich.
To study hard, think quietly, talk gently,
    act frankly, to listen to stars, birds, babes,
    and sages with open heart, to bear all cheerfully,
    do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.
In a word, to let the spiritual,
    unbidden and unconscious,
    grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony. 

William Ellery Channing

A quick thought

This morning I was reading Elder Craig C. Christensen's talk from the last General Conference when I stumbled upon this quote:

The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead, and, as such, like God the Father and Jesus Christ, He knows our thoughts and the intents of our hearts. The Holy Ghost loves us and wants us to be happy. Since He knows the challenges we will face, He can guide us and teach us all things we must do to return and live with our Heavenly Father once again.

For some reason I had never thought of the Holy Ghost as someone who loves us and knows us just like Heavenly Father and Jesus, although it makes perfect sense. Amazing! I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and the blessing it has been in my life.

Have a wonderful day! 

STRESSORS

I was going to make a list of everything that is stressing me out, but I think that would just stress me out even more. So I won't make a list. But maybe to give you an idea of the extent of my stress I will let you know that one of the things I am stressed out about is my children dying prematurely in freak accidents. So, there's that. I would like to internalize the following quote from Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw. I haven't seen the show but Pai always told me that I am the Mormon version of Carrie Bradshaw so I guess I will take that for what it's worth.

On the bright side, I am going to dinner with mis Amigas Cheetahs* tonight and I am so excited. Also, we are going to Zupas and I haven't stepped foot in that place since I stopped working there so...wish me luck. On the not bright side, my Mom has not texted or tweeted me back today and I am fearful.

I hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday (if that is even possible because Wednesdays are world's worst) and that you are so stoked on the Twilight premiere tomorrow night that nothing can bring you down.


*My girlfriends from my Study Abroad who I named after the Cheetah Girls song from Cheetah Girls 2 when they go to Barcelona. Obviously.

I love bees and General Conference

"Only when our testimony transcends what is in our mind and burrows deep into our heart will our motivation to love and to serve become like unto the Savior’s. It is then, and only then, that we become deeply converted disciples of Christ empowered by the Spirit to reach the hearts of our fellowmen."
-Elder M. Russell Ballard, Be Anxiously Engaged

RAMBLINGS

1. I don't like my job this week. Calls have been pretty much NON-STOP and every call is the most complicated call ever. Sometimes I just wanna be like, "I gotta get the ice-cream out and put some cookies all up in it, I don't even know how to use that blender and they got me pressing all of these crazy buttons...NO. YOU CAN HAVE A COKE." The plus side is that I have the day off tomorrow for the 4th.

2. My family is here!!! Best. Ever.

3. The fires are terrifying. Like, is BYU gonna catch on FIRE??

4. I was skyping with CJ the other day and I was like, "I'm gonna grab an otter pop. Do you want one?" and as soon as I said it I remembered that skype is not real life and as much as I would love to I can't just hand homeboy an otter pop. SO UNFORTUNATE.

5. I read this article the other day which I loved. It's about how everyone is obsessed with being busy and how being "busy" makes us feel important. The end says,

"...I did make a conscious decision, a long time ago, to choose time over money, since I’ve always understood that the best investment of my limited time on earth was to spend it with people I love. I suppose it’s possible I’ll lie on my deathbed regretting that I didn’t work harder and say everything I had to say, but I think what I’ll really wish is that I could have one more beer with Chris, another long talk with Megan, one last good hard laugh with Boyd. Life is too short to be busy." 

I mean, right??? RIIIIGHHHTTT???

6. I miss Spain. You're shocked.

Trust

"To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all." -Elder Richard G. Scott

Read the entire talk here. One of my favorites ever.

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young

So it's 1AM, I still have reading to do for tomorrow, and tears have been in my eyes but not coming out for about an hour and a half now. I am just IN THE DUMPS. And the worst part is, it's getting really late and my homework isn't done...it's like Freshman year all over again minus the carefreeness. But anyway, I was looking at my old facebook notes, a very underutilized feature of facebook, and I found this article that I love. Here you go. It's a good one. Made me feel a little less bleh.

Taken from a column in the Chicago Tribune, June 1, 1997.

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt. Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

I love how 10/01/11 looks.

So to be perfectly honest (I usually am. Much to your chagrin, I'm sure.) General Conference could not have come at a better time.

I am going crazy! School is starting to get out of control, my emotions are out of control as per usual, my dating life has YET to get off the ground (don't worry it's only been 4 years since I got dating rights), and I either have no appetite or eat compulsively. I live in a world of extremes, people. And I love my job but sometimes I have to be the bearer of bad news (You failed your final exam three times...so you need to pay for the class again if you want credit.) and that part really is terrible.

OH AND IIIIII'M SORRY BUT PUMPED UP KICKS IS ABOUT A KID BRINGING A GUN TO SCHOOL. LET'S ALL ROMP AROUND AND SING THIS SONG YEAH TOP DOWN SUMMER JAMZ! No. Just, no. I'm mad.

But anyway. It seems like every day for the past week I have just been going about my normal day and then I have a mini emotional/ethical/identity crisis and I just feel so overwhelmed and terrrrrrible.

Fortunately for me (and you and the entire world), General Conference is the best. It makes me feel okay even if it's only for two hours at a time. And I want to quote President Uchtdorf's talk from this morning but it's not up yet. But I loved this quote from his talk at the General Relief Society meeting.

"...If we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Hopefully I will wake up on Monday with the resolve to stop freaking out and start seeing the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around me ALL the time. (I have the resolve now but that's because it's the weekend and it's not real life.) And also hopefully I will actually do it. As a side note, I totally predicted the temple in Wyoming. In case you were wondering.

What can I get here that has no sugar, no carbs, and is fat free?

Tonight, my job at work was LOBBY.

Which basically means I bus all the tables and wipe them off and sweep the floor. Straight up Cinderella Story H-Duff in the hizzhouse.

So you know how when you go to McDonald's or wherever, the have the garbage cans inside these like things with the swinging door that says TRASH or THANK YOU or something like that? Okay. Same concept. My garbage can is inside this metal cupboard thing but instead of the swinging door, there is just a small hole on the top for me to dump people's garbage in and put their dishes in the dish bin. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BUS YOUR OWN TABLE. I WILL BUS YOUR TABLE.

The point of this story is that the garbage got full so I took it in the back to empty it into a bigger garbage can and I come back out two seconds later and this woman is DUMPING the contents of her trays PLURAL into the hole in the top of the metal cupboard that the garbage can goes in. THERE IS NO GARBAGE CAN IN THE CUPBOARD. So after she walked away, I crawled inside the cupboard and cleaned up all of her crap that she basically dumped on the floor. DAMMIT, IIIIII WILL BUS YOUR TABLE DO NOT TRY TO HELP ME DO NOT MOVE YOUR TRAY JUST LEAVE ALL YOUR CRAP ON YOUR FREEEEAKING TABLE AND IIIIII WILL CLEAN IT UP.

The bright side is that I made $7 in tips tonight.

And I went on a date this week and it was fun.

And on the way home from work tonight I got this sundae that I get from Sonic which is a hot fudge sundae without ice cream. So basically hot fudge, whip cream, and oreos. And a cherry which is always disgusting.

And I miss Britton.

The End.

And PS

I want to scream at people when they tell me I can't do something/shouldn't try.

And PPS this song has been EXTREMELY heart-wrenching lately. Don't know why.

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

We lost the Rugby national championship. But don't worry, I got a rugby team boyfriend out of the whole ordeal!! (In other news, the lacrosse team went to the nat'l championship and won. Love those boys.)

Farmer in the dell.

My favorite store. Obviously. I can haz great hair?

Me and Pookie. She snatched the bouquet right out of my hands. I wear SPF 50.

She really liked rubbing her victory in my face.

So these pictures represent the three times I've been social in the past...month. Whatever.

I know I complain about my life sometimes, but I am happy. I love my job, school is almost over, I have great friends, and I live in a really beautiful place. I miss my family, but that is really the only thing that is amiss. (Besides the elephant in the room--no dates. Pretty much done being not mad about that. I'm mad about it. HA.)

I spent part of the weekend at Brooke's wedding and the aftermath...we are practically family so it was a blast. I was driving home today after I picked up my roommate Kara from the airport (she went home to Texas so she and her boyf could meet each other's families) and I was just so happy. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE makes me so happy. I felt like there was a big bubble filling up my heart. I was happy for Brooke and Jonny and their families, happy that Kara had a good time in Texas, and happy that Heavenly Father has blessed me with friends. My life has been filled with people who have truly become my family and I am so thankful for all of them!

"At no time will we be more Christlike than when we are a friend."-Marlin K. Jensen

and...back to reality tomorrow. Woof. My race in on Saturday and finals are next week...then what am I going to do????????

I LOVE this story

Late one evening on a Pacific isle, a small boat slipped silently to its berth at the crude pier. Two Polynesian women helped Meli Mulipola from the boat and guided him to the well-worn pathway leading to the village road. The women marveled at the bright stars, which twinkled in the midnight sky. The moonlight guided them along their way. However, Meli Mulipola could not appreciate these delights of nature—the moon, the stars, the sky—for he was blind.

Brother Mulipola’s vision had been normal until a fateful day when, while working on a pineapple plantation, light turned suddenly to darkness and day became perpetual night. He was depressed and despondent until he learned the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ. His life was brought into compliance with the teachings of the Church, and he once again felt hope and joy.

Brother Mulipola and his loved ones had made a long voyage, having learned that one who held the priesthood of God was visiting among the islands of the Pacific. He sought a blessing, and it was my privilege, along with another who held the Melchizedek Priesthood, to provide that blessing to him. As we finished, I noted that tears were streaming from his sightless eyes, coursing down his brown cheeks and tumbling finally upon his native dress. He dropped to his knees and prayed: “O God, Thou knowest I am blind. Thy servants have blessed me that my sight might return. Whether in Thy wisdom I see light or whether I see darkness all the days of my life, I will be eternally grateful for the truth of Thy gospel, which I now see and which provides the light of my life.”

He rose to his feet and, smiling, thanked us for providing the blessing. He then disappeared into the still of the night. Silently he came; silently he departed. But his presence I shall never forget. I reflected upon the message of the Master: “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”

-As told by President Monson in his talk, Be of Good Cheer. April 2009 GC.

Post-Sunday stress disorder

I have a problem about any day after Sunday. Where I go to Church on Sunday and I feel great and I clean my room and I'm on track and all is right in the world and then...life hits me like a ton of bricks. And some nights I fall asleep during my prayers (yes, I am five years old) or I don't read my scriptures or I say something snarky and my room gets messy. GOTTA WORK ON THAT, Y'ALL. Maybe all these quotes will help...? Question mark?

A man had a sign hanging on his wall that said "I am third." His friend asked him what it meant and he replied, "The Lord is first, others are second, and I am third."

He who notes the fall of a sparrow surely hears the pleadings of our hearts. -President Monson

As we seek earnestly to know ourselves, to make honest assessments of what we are and where we are, the Lord will reveal, in answer to our prayers, where our repentance should be focused...As we honestly listen during our prayers, we will each know what we need to do. -Elder Andersen

If we live so our minds are free from worry and our conscience is clear and our feelings are right toward one another, the operation of the Spirit is as real as when we pick up the telephone; but when they come, we must be brave enough to take the suggested actions. -President Ezra Taft Benson

What could you do better for your children than to record the story of your life?...Some of what you write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity...Begin today and write in it your goings and your comings, yourdeeper thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies...Those who keep a personal journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. -President Spencer W. Kimball

“We should learn to be patient with ourselves. Recognizing our strengths and our weaknesses, we should strive to use good judgment in all of our choices and decisions, make good use of every opportunity, and do our best in every task we undertake. We should not be unduly discouraged nor in despair at any time when we are doing the best we can. Rather, we should be satisfied with our progress even though it may come slowly at times.” -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Humility. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. Journal. Patience. Prayer. Did I mention prayer?

DO DO DO DO DO BE BE BE BE BE BE DO BE DO BE DO DO DO BE BE DO BE DO BE DO.

she said

she usually cried

once a day

not because

she was sad,

but because

the world

was so beautiful,

& life was

so short.

-brian andreas

VERY IMPORTANT

Some people are born very very very nice. I know people who don't have the capacity to think a bad thought about another person, let alone act on it or say something rude or judge someone. I know everyone has emotions and everyone has their days but I really do know people who come close to perfect in the way they treat other people!

I'm not saying I wasn't born nice or that my parents didn't teach me how to treat others or anything like that, but over the past 19 and almost a half years that I have been on the earth, I haven't always been the best example of Christlike love. Unlike the people I mentioned above, I do indeed have the capacity to be mean. I have done mean things. I have made someone feel bad on purpose. I have made someone feel bad not on purpose. I have made rude comments to someone's face and behind someone's back. I have been sarcastic and salty and sassy and snappy. I have judged someone before I got a chance to know them.

And as much as I just want to cry my eyes out about all of this, I realized that I don't have to let anything I have done in the past define who I am and I don't have to listen to the sassy diva anger fire that is inside me. In fact, I will NOT do either of those two things.

I WILL be kind.

I WILL be grateful.

I WILL be patient and I WILL be loving.

I WILL continue to make mistakes. I WILL apologize and learn from them when I do.

I WILL be motivated by love.

This is my favorite talk of all time. I just listened to it today, and I think it might change my life. Rather, I will change my life because the Spirit I felt during this talk completely overwhelmed me in the best kind of way.

One thing I have clung to while all these thoughts have been racing through my head is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is REAL. No matter what has happened in the past or what we have done, we can change because of Jesus Christ. We have to want to change and be willing to do whatever the Lord asks of us, but it will all be worth it if we do our best to follow Christ. When we decided to come to Earth, we knew that it would be crazy and hard and that bad things would probably happen to us. But our spirits are so strong and fabulous that we wanted to be challenged and tested by experiencing mortality. We wanted to prove to Heavenly Father that we love Him and believe in Him enough to face all that we would have to face and still be faithful. We can't remember all of this happening, but Heavenly Father gave us everything we need so that we may KNOW that all of these things happened. We can know through the scriptures, the prophets, and most importantly the Holy Ghost, that the gospel is true and that the plan of happiness is real. This life is something that is far greater and far more important than we can perceive or even imagine.

"We are studying the New Testament this year in Sunday School. This book of scripture is a story of love—the love of the Father for the Son and the love They have for each of us. We cannot fully comprehend this love. But we can feel it. We cannot fully emulate it. But we can “pray . . . with all the energy of heart” that we might be filled with it (Moroni 7:48). It is a love that transcends all of our mortal experience. It is a love that lifts and builds and strengthens, that calms and comforts us. The only way for us to increase our capacity to love in this way is to feel the love our Father in Heaven and His Son have for us. The more we feel Their love for us, the more we will increase our capacity to share that love with others."

Scott is a genius once again

From his e-mail this week.

"Have a good week and be happy to be alive in a time like this. There is air to breathe and things to do and the Church is as true as it gets. Plus lots of funny stuff happens all the time. Like when people you know have horrible farts and they sleep right below you on a bunk bed. And also, I am realizing that if you try to defend and help people rather than tear them down in your mind, you see that the earth doesn't have very many people that aren't trying their best. Even if whatever they are doing is retarded and selfish. It is crazy and I have never noticed before."

Don't you love this kid? Sorry if you think I'm weird for quoting one of my friends. On my blog. Twice. I love missionaries.

I want to be forever young

"There's no such thing as bad weather...only bad clothes."

-The Russian way.

I had quite the whirlwind day yesterday. I woke up at 8:00 to get ready and take the shuttle to the metro station at 9:30 to meet Myriam and Jeska at 10:30 a few stops away. I arrived at the metro around 9:45 and stood outside for 15 minutes because I wanted to be in the fresh air as long as possible. I have come to love the metro but nothing changes the fact that it smells disgusting.

I entered the Metro at 10AM sharp. I read the signs, got on the correct line (well...there was only one line in the station I was at. But I got on the line going the right way.), counted the stops, got off, read the signs, and went to wait for the girls near the brown line. Like a champ. The time is now...10:15. I am supposed to meet them between 10:20 and 10:45 and they're going to call.

Time passes. No phone call. No sight of them.

I had resolved to leave the metro at 11:00 if they didn't call or show up. Then I realized that the shuttle from the metro station by my house comes at 11:10 so I probably wouldn't make it and I would just be stuck there for an hour until the next one came at 12:10. I was reading the shuttle schedule for the weekdays anyway so...the shuttle thing was a moot point. But I didn't know that. I just sat and sat and sat and thought and thought and thought.

I played a game that I like to call "Ugly Russian, Pretty Russian, Not Russian, Fat Russian, Babushka." Pretty self-explanatory...but literally everyone falls into one of those five categories.

I people-watched a lot. And you know what? I saw someone I know. I think I know probably five people in this entire country, and there I was just sitting in a random metro station and I saw someone I knew running down the stairs. I didn't talk to him. I just started at him and watched him run to catch the metro. And thought.

I had brought a book with me (Great Expectations) but I didn't want people to know I am American so I didn't want to read a book written in English. Lame, I know. At this point three different people have walked up to me to ask me for help/directions and I feel bad just shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head.

It's 11:07. Myriam had an appointment at a salon at 11, I was just meeting up with them along the way, and at this point I am convinced that they aren't coming and I am going to be stuck in the metro for hours until I can work up the will to go back home. Tears were welling up in my eyes. All I wanted to do was GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I kind of convinced myself that this little metro romp had been adventurous enough...that even if I had to go home I would go home knowing that I saw a bit of Russia. Ha.

I exhausted all my resources to try and figure out their phone number and try to get a hold of them. Hint: never plan to meet up with someone unless you BOTH have contact information for the other. I was just sitting there with basically no hope left that they would find me, but I thought that maybe If I waited long enough I would see them on their way back home from the salon. I played a lot of Fruit Ninja, let me tell you.

Then I heard a voice...in English "There she is!" Someone grabs my shoulders. MYRIAM! People in the metro probably thought I was a psycho because I just screamed and hugged her. I was in such a daze that M&J had to scurry me through the open doors of the metro car right before they closed. I was elated. Turns out when they call my phone number they get a message that says "This number does not exist." Kinda what I figured.

We took the brown line for one stop and got out to find this salon that their program coordinator at ILP, Gulia, ("Nice to meet you, my name is Julia Gulia.") had scheduled Myriam an appointment at. We talked to Gulia on the phone. We read her directions on the paper she had given them. We followed her directions over the phone. We crossed the street 6 times. We asked people for help. We gave people the phone to talk to Gulia so they could try to help us. We found a really really cute bakery that I intend to revisit. We found THREE salons, none of which were the correct salon. 2 of the 3 we found were in building 21, which was the building number we were looking for...apparently we were on the wrong street. Then this hot Russian angel man approached us and said, "Can I help you with something?" in broken English. I think I just stared at him. We talked to him, Gulia talked to him on the phone, I said to Myriam "I think I am in love," he talked to his friend who was an older man and already using his phone to search for the address on our paper. Anyway, they figured it out and walked us to the building that the salon is in. Seriously the nicest Russians ever.

So we go in and to even enter the building you have to tell the security guard at the desk where you're going in the building. There's really no communication happening. We are getting the blank mean Russian stare from this bald and scary security guard. The angel accidentally took our paper with all our directions and the name of the salon on it so we call Gulia (she hates us now) to ask her the name, tell the guy the name, he gives us these little papers for the salon that say where to go. 5th floor. Number 7.

This is no salon. Seriously I have no idea what the hell happened but we just ended up in some freaky place with no humans in sight and the longest hallway ever. And a piano and two fish tanks. With HUGE fish. Pictures cannot convey the horror.

It's been probably 2 or 2&1/2 hours and we throw in the towel. Myriam gives up on getting her face threaded because we are donnnnnne. The bright side is that it was really very fun wandering around and now I know one block of Moscow very very well. "Caitlin, What if the only reason we wandered around for two hours was so that we could meet that guy and he could accidentally take our paper which happens to have your phone number on it..?" Destiny. That's the other bright side. You're all invited to my wedding reception in Red Square.

Then we got back on the lovely metro, traveled back to M&J's neck of the woods, and went to grab Blini in the mall food court. Blini is like the Russian version of crepes. Mine had ham and cheese rolled up inside and it was yummy.

Then...the grocery store. I wish I would have taken pictures but before you go in they make you put your purse in a plastic bag and they melt it shut so you don't steal anything. But anyway, I was afraid to rip the bag and get my camera out. Russian grocery stores are THE worst. Imagine Costco on a Saturday but 1/4 the size with twice as many people. People who don't mind SHOVING you. People who have no sense of personal space. It was terrible, really. I'm glad I never have to go, but I'm glad I got to go one time to see what it was like.

We left the store, groceries in tow, and walked to the bus stop. It takes about 45 minutes to get to where the girls live because they literally live in the middle of the woods. Across the street from the President. Side note: Forever Young was playing in the mall, and I kept singing one line over and over for the rest of the day because it was stuck in my head. Myriam, Jeska, Amy, Elise, and Kara feel the pain that my roommates feel when I get five words of a song stuck in their heads for days. This time it was "Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?" Then we got off the bus and walked down the road to their apartment. We were supposed to go ice skating but that didn't work out because it was now 4:30 and we come to find out that it will take us 20 minutes by car to get to the ice rink, but two hours by bus. So since they don't have a car...Myriam, Jeska, and I walked around the woods for a while.

The girls live in a pretty wealthy neighborhood and there are security guards and such separating the subdivisions of this neighborhood. There is a convenience store right inside one of the subdivisions so we went there and I bought my favorite chocolate (Milka bar with whole hazelnuts) and a diet coke. Then we decided to walk around the subdivision (the guard told us later through hand motions that next time we can only go to the convenience store and come back out. We're not actually allowed to walk around. Woops.) The houses are beautiful and weird and I loved every second of it.

Right across from Myriam's apartment.

My favorite photo of the day!

The sky was perfect.

Will you live with me in this house? Please?

You can't tell very well but this house is mint green. Like, gorgeous mint green.

I was trying to take a picture of this house by climbing onto the snow and looking over the wall...don't know why I thought I wouldn't sink in. I did it down the road again but this time as I was sinking I reached out to grab something for support and grabbed a security camera. Then I started cackling and clumsily stumble-ran away.

The pink house I so desperately wanted picture of. This is what I don't get...if you're going to build a glorious house, wouldn't you want people to be able to see it? Hmmmmmm?

Then it was time for me to go home...Myriam took the bus to the metro with me and I learned a lot about her. She is seriously one of the coolest, most adventurous people I know. She rocks. On the metro I sat across from a sleeping hobo who had snot dripping into his mustache and his mouth hanging open and I thought I was going to vomit. Then I strategically waited 30 minutes for the shuttle: walked around, shopped inside the little mall, changed locations a few times so as to not get kidnapped, etc. I hopped on the shuttle and a few seconds later two girls ran up to the shuttle and got in. They are in 8th grade and neither of them wore a coat or a hat or gloves or even a sweater. I guess Babushkas were like screaming at them all day and hitting their arms for not wearing coats. I didn't really feel bad for them...if you don't wear a coat you will freeze your butt off and also stick out like a sore American thumb. And get yelled at by everyone. Anyway, the were cute. I love the zeal 14 year-olds have for life and going to the mall and iPhone apps and such. Seriously one of the greatest feelings is getting on that shuttle after a long day. Of all my modes of transportation, it's my favorite because I get on and I know exactly where it will take me: home.

PS. Unfortunately even the bra I was wearing through all of this smells like Russia now. The scent is seeped in to everything and it is disgusting but also beautiful.

PPS. Make this station on your Pandora: Jean-Yves Thibaudet.