February 14, 2011

143, baby. 143!!


That's right, everyone. I've been single for the past TWENTY-FIVE YEARS and yet, it is easily one of my favorite holidays. FAY-VO-WRIT. I'm never going to complain about a day that gives me an excuse to wear pink AND purple AND red together, and eat candy and sweets all day long.

Mostly I don't understand people who say "Waaaah waaah wahhhhhh I'm single and it's Valentine's Day so I'm going to pout and WHHIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEE! WAAAAH WAAAAAH PITY PAAHHHHTY!" To those people, I say: You know why you're miserable? Because you missed the entire point. It's not about YOU. V-day is about making sure that everyone you love knows you love them. It's about showing love to the people who make youlove being alive and being thankful for the presence of those people in your life.

I also don't understand why people say "If you're in love, then Valentine's day should be every day! YOU SHOULDN'T NEED A HOLIDAY TO CELEBRATE LOVE IT'S JUST A CONSUMERISM EXCUSE TO BUY THINGS BLAH BLAH BLAH." That's like saying "If you really believe in Jesus you should celebrate his birth every day! You shouldn't need a holiday!!!" Or, "If you're ACTUALLY THANKFUL, you should be thankful everyday...THE ONLY REASON THEY MADE THANKSGIVING IS FOR FOOTBALL AND TO MAKE A FORTUNE!" That's really dumb. That is really dumb, for real. Sorry if this bursts anyone's bubble but HELLO, all holidays have some commercial aspect. That's just the way it is. And if you choose to think of holidays that way, then that's your own cranky problem and you need an attitude adjustment right quick. I mean, you should just do like I do and ignore the fact that Hallmark is making roughly one million trillion big ones today.

Another reason why I've never been bitter about Valentine's day is because the Valentine Aardvark has visited my house for my whole life. Basically, my grandfather (Big Ron) is a genius and because of his grand idea, the Valentine Aardvark, I bet there is not a single person in my entire extended family who has ever been cranky on February 14th.

So, if you're sitting around today lookin' all frumpy, crossing your arms and pouting...snap out of it! There's no reason to mope. THAT'S WHAT MIDDLE SCHOOLERS DO. Watch last week's episode of Glee and move on with your life! Tell everyone you love them. Because guess what...even Russians fall in love. It's basically the only thing they have in common with Americans. It's basically the only thing that everyone in the world has in common so BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!

PS Once (if?) there comes a time when I'm not single then me and my boyf are gonna tear it up on Valentine's day. Diamonds, cupcakes, candy, cookies, paper valentines, Disneyland...the whole kit and caboodle.

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